Amy Chua
Publisher: Penguin Press HC, The
Published: January 11, 2011
This book, by Yale University Law Professor Amy Chua, is meant to be a memoir, rather than a parenting guide, and it is certainly not meant to be a scholarly research piece. At times funny because the descriptions were so over-the-top that it sounded unreal, and at times sobering because those of us who were born of Chinese parents have actually witnessed behaviors displayed by Chua in our own parents or in our friends’ parents and know the yelling and nagging and berating statements were in fact quite real, the book is nevertheless meant to be read as a memoir, and not as an instruction manual. But the book is not meant to be pure entertainment either, Chua’s acerbic sense of humor notwithstanding. So, what is the reader supposed to take away from the book?
The book itself declares at the beginning, “This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kinds than Western ones. But instead, it’s about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.”
With this preface, the reader is led to believe that even though Chua seems confident at the beginning that her very parent-directed, focused, and rigid method of raising children was the best way to go, she will eventually learn the error of her ways and repent. But disappointingly we never got to that point. With a staccato style and deadpan humor, Chua’s writing is as task-oriented as her parenting philosophy. Making broad generalizations with neither evidence nor analysis, Chua marches on with her narrative as decisively without much pondering as with her actions. Pausing only briefly to digress on major life events such as taking in a dying mother-in-law, or writing her second book, or getting another dog, or having her favorite sister face life-threatening illness, Chua’s writing is remarkably lacking in introspection. Even the big dramatic moment when Lulu was yelling “I hate you” at her mother was recorded so devoid of emotions one just can’t help think that Chua is simply incapable of confronting her own emotions.
The epilogue explains that the book was started right after the Russia trip, during which Lulu had her rebellion episode, and the book suggests that some way of reconciling the “Chinese way” and the “Western way” may be the best way to go. Yet Chua stops short of pointing out the limitations of the Chinese way and at the same time stops short of articulating the benefits of the Western way. Even at the end of the story, Chua was reading up on tennis, Lulu’s new chosen hobby, gloating over Lulu’s wins, and yelling out instructions from the sidelines in the same way she used to write piano and violin practice notes for the girls. Will this woman ever learn?
The lesson is actually much deeper than whether the Chinese way is best or whether the Chinese way combined with the Western way is best. By her own admission, Amy Chua finds it hard to have fun. That is the ultimate drawback of an achievement-oriented life, the Chinese way Chua touts in the beginning. There is no time to reflect because there is always the next task to do, the next piano piece to master, the next trophy to win. Chua criticizes Western parents for praising every wiggle a toddler makes. Her extreme of never rejoicing in the moment is that no accomplishment, however large or small, can ever be enjoyed. The achievement-oriented mentality makes you think that you will only satisfied if the next big thing is accomplished. But since there is always something else to be accomplished, satisfaction is always out of reach.
Amy Chua’s task-oriented life and task-oriented writing style makes no room for gloating. It also makes no room for soul-searching. Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Do we choosing achieving over living? That is what we should take away from the book.
I really enjoyed your review, Grace. in fact, even though I have not read the book and may never do given all that has happened, I have been much more interested in people's reaction to this topic then who Amy Chua is and how she raises children.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first read the WSJ piece, I was actually really amused by the fact that..."What? My mother was not the only one who cracked the whip?! It is actually a "Chinese" parenting style? Even Chinese Americans do it to their children?" I actually felt less alone hearing so many Chinese people saying "Me too!" At the same time, of course every family is different. My mother was strict and harsh partly because she never experienced much love herself and it took ME years of therapy to understand HER way of loving me. Growing up relatively privileged in Hong Kong my two brothers and I went to the best schools but nevertheless consistently brought home C averages. What does that mean about my Chinese parents?
Now as a 1/2 American with a toddler, "how to parent" is of course fresh in my mind (and a struggle!) every single day. We all want to think that WE will be the ones who can walk the middle path. Our children will be happy, well adjusted, have good self esteem, AND get A's in most subjects, with perhaps a B here and there. If that actually happens, how much of that can be attributed to us? Or who our children is, what their temperaments are, their personalities, and yes how their brain is wired? Oh and their opportunities?
Which brings me to one topic related to the whole hoopla that I feel deserves attention. Amy Chua and her family, like me and many people I know, belong in a privileged sub-section of our society. Our parents are educated, we went to really good schools, we are professionals who marry other professionals and can expose our kids to certain types of genes and learning environments. The supposed "best" way of child rearing in our little lives are NOT the end-all-be-all in making sure that our society's children grow up to be productive happy citizens. If you happen to not have as much financial resources, if you happen to have to live with institutional and day-to-day racism and discrimination, you will naturally adjust your parenting so to give your children the best shot in this crazy country.
I feel it is important to not forget that we are all trying our best. We love our children and we want the best for them. We are giving it our best shot. And you know what? Kids are so resilient and resourceful, and they pretty much will make the most out of whatever available to them and will run with it. One point or reminder that I do appreciate from Amy Chua's excerpt is that I do think kids are inherently strong and tough, they can weather a LOT. I do see some American moms coddling. But I also see Chinese moms do the same thing. We all learn for ourselves and ultimately our kids are better off with parents who self reflect.